How To Kill Your "Self"
If you’re here, you’re hurting. You’re angry, or depressed, sad or anxious; there are a lot of ways to be unhappy. Life can be fucking brutal.
While we can’t get rid of all of life’s pain, we can greatly reduce our attachment to it, and the effect it has on our general sense of well-being. The key to doing so lies in seeing things as they really are. This begins with the self.
When I speak of “killing yourself” I am more accurately describing the destruction of the illusion of your “self.” There’s a big difference between the things you think of as yourself, and the thing that is actually you.
You (presumably) have a job, friends, family, likes and dislikes, passions and hobbies; you are from a place. However, if you took away all of these things you identify with, you would still be you. Even your body, or your mind, are not accurate descriptors of who you really are. You have a body, and mind, yet you are neither of those things.
Likewise, you have emotions, anger, fear, sadness; none of these are who you are either. You have emotions, you are not your emotions themselves.
What we are at our essence, is something beyond words. Perhaps I could end the article here, since no amount of words could ever accurately describe what it is I’m trying to describe. However, I’m not here to convince you of the greatness that is the real you. What I aim to do is encourage you to dive inward, so that you might catch an occasional glimpse of this greatness on your own.
The intention is admittedly selfish, though paradoxically it could also be said to be selfless. I want to help others find freedom, so that I might find freedom myself. To do so, we must remove blockages, the greatest of which is the illusionary self with which we’ve identified.
To avoid confusion, I will be referring to the false “self” as self with a lowercase “s” and the true version of ourselves as the Self with a capital “S.” We want to kill the self, while nurturing the Self.
The self is very limited. It operates from a place of fear and attachments. The self has limited views and is subject to unlimited suffering. The Self, on the other hand, operates from a place of openness and nonattachment. The Self is unlimited and free from suffering. I could write a million words of feel good philosophy, but ultimately that would be self serving, and of little to no value to either of us. There is a difference between reading about something and doing it. This is coming from a person who not only writes books, but spends much of his leisure time reading. I think books are pretty freaking great, but they’re not the be all/end all answer to our problems.
You could read a million books about yoga, for example, and if you never set foot on a mat, you’ll have no idea what the buzz is about. You might understand on an intellectual level, but that can never compare to actually doing something. You could read about a different culture, or the delicious food in another part of the world, but unless you hop on a plane and go somewhere, taste something, you’ll never know what it’s like.
Digging a little deeper, there’s a difference between doing something, and experiencing said thing. You experience with the Self.
You could take your dogs for a walk, but if your mind is elsewhere, focused on your to-do list for the rest of the day, or some leftover drama from the night before, you will not have actually experienced the walk with your dogs. Similarly, you could cook and eat a meal, but if you mindlessly throw some ingredients in a pot and shove the results in your face, you will not have had the experience of the food.
The difference between reading about something, and doing something is tangible. The difference between doing and experiencing is subtle. The difference felt is substantial. Understanding something on a mental level is different than understanding it on a physical level. Then there’s the third level, beyond the physical and mental, where a full experience is had. This is where the self fades away and our true Self shines through.
Part of you knows exactly what I’m talking about.
You’ve had full, heartfelt experiences. Think wedding day, the birth of a child, the accomplishment of a long term goal, that sort of thing. Also consider major injuries, illnesses, the death of a loved one and the like. These can also be full experiences, though they aren’t necessarily pleasant ones. It’s easy for us to have big experiences during the big moments of life. It’s also easy for us to try and avoid those experiences rather than face them head on (this is a function of self).
We often forget that we can have full experiences during the ordinary moments as well as the big events. This is the doorway to the Self. How we connect to a moment is more important than what is happening in that moment. Furthermore each moment will call on us to connect to it in an entirely different way than the moment before. We must be adaptable.
It might be helpful to think of this as a game, wherein we must adapt moment by moment and find balance between effort and effortlessness, between action and non-action. The game calls for us to explore the extremes, and find the appropriate middle.
Here we are asked to care very deeply, while remaining non-attached. It’s a balance of mindfulness and mindlessness, selfishness and selflessness. At times we must be fully in our bodies and minds, other times completely naked, out of both body and mind. In this game doing the next right thing means whatever that particular moment calls for. No simple task for the self, but for the Self, this is true nature.
Part of the game is forgetting that we are playing, realizing we have forgotten, and returning again and again. If this sounds miserable, consider the alternative means staying stuck where you are, how you are. Like I said, if you’re here you’re hurting. Why not play the game and see if it helps?
But be careful, unlike other games you may have played, here there is no competition. There are no winners and losers, there is no “us” and “them” or “you” or “I.” Those limited concepts belong to the self. This is a game of Self. The more that others win, the more we win. Therefore we must connect again and again, both inward and outward, and we must help others when we can.
Mastery of the game requires a great deal of patience. If you have none, then cultivating patience is your current calling in the game. Beyond that a general easy-going-ness will allow you to both enjoy the process itself, and to let go of the results. If you have a hard time being easy-going, enjoying things, or letting go, then you know where your work lies.
Every ounce of progress in the game will level you up in ways you never thought possible. On our best days we can realize that results are here and now, it’s the only time and place they could be.
Dear friends, thank you for reading. As always, one article is given freely every month. If you’d like to further support my work you can subscribe for $5/month and receive a new article every single week. If you know anyone who might benefit from these words please feel free to forward. As always, I welcome questions or comments. Thank you kindly,
Miguel